Sorry I was late, I was adjusting my Spanx

Yesterday, July 01, 2010, 12:05:27 AM
There are a few things in the lives of females that men will just never fully grasp:

*The love/hate relationship women have for their supportive undergarments. There are very few days I go into public places without wearing at least one layer of a stomach-sucker-inner. I am aware that most women save their girdles for special occasions; not me. I find it comforting not to have to worry about sucking in my belly because my Spanx does it for me. This covers the "love" side. Now for the "hate" side. It takes me no less than 47 minutes to walk to the restroom, nearly-completely undress, use the restroom, and get redressed in the confines of a 2'X2' stall. When other women enter the restroom, I want to yell from my tiny prison that I swear that the only reason I am taking so long is because I can't get my many layers of clothing to cooperate. On a related note, men will never understand the pure joy felt after removing one's bra at the end of a long day.

*The torture of dieting, really dieting. If a man and woman do the exact same diet for the exact same length of time: a) the man will lose more weight and b) the woman will be far more miserable throughout the process. Cutting out sweets and carbs for a woman is like stealing her will to live. My husband genuinely could not care less if he ever again tasted the sweet, sweet goodness of a Snickers bar. I, however, would write a check for the total amount in our checking account to anyone who so much as breathed chocolate-breath into my face. * Ugly days. I have never overheard a man saying "Ugh! I just feel so gross today! There's something wrong with my face, but I don't know what it is! This shirt makes me look like an over-stuffed pillow! My ankles look chubby! What is wrong with the skin pouch above my left eyeball?! I think my nose is getting bigger! My hair is doing this stupid flippy-thing today!"

*Girl drama. Fights, hurt feelings, etc, etc. caused by nothing more than a "weird look." These situations usually end up lasting several months or years. Within minutes of "the look" both parties involved have recruited armies of other women supporters. Men are wrongly under the assumption that this mess ends by the end of junior high. They are wrong. I know women in their 50s and 60s still involved in these conflicts. I can't say that I completely understand this any more than males do, but I think all women have experienced it. Don't get me wrong, there are a million wonderful things women get to experience that men never will, but who wants to listen to that?

Until tomorrow.
~Heather


No Spanx.