Wednesday, June 21, 2017

So anyway, as I was saying...6 1/2 years ago. 

It appears that time has gotten away from me, and before I realized it over 6 years had passed. I wish I could say that I was involved in some sort of amazing Sleeping Beauty scenario, but that's not the case.

The last time we spoke, I was serving as a lunch lady/janitor with the deceptive title of "Substitute Teacher" (see previous post). I gracefully bowed out of that position with the little pride I had remaining and sauntered off to do various other things. This is the perfect opportunity to use "yada, yada, yada." In 2011, I quit my job of serving and cleaning up mashed potatoes, I got a new job, yada yada yada, it's 2017.

My kids who I used to write cutesy little snippets about are now 7 and 9 years old. I'm not sure how that happened. I have come to the realization over the years that people really only like hearing stories about kids to whom they are related, so I'll save those stories for another day. You're not permanently off the hook. I have 6 years worth of stories in my back pocket and they're bursting to get out. I will devote one full post to emails received regarding behavior. There's something to look forward to.

Today's post will be dedicated to things I have learned in the past 3 weeks. Oh, I forgot to mention that in the "yada, yada, yada" the small detail that I quit another job. So, I'm currently unemployed and learning a lot of new miscellaneous things by accident. Most of this information has been obtained utilizing my Google machine.

1. It is physically impossible to sunburn where you have a freckle. Sunscreen application now takes numerous hours, but I don't have to waste lotion on all my spots.

2. This thing growing on my painted pallet is a type of fungus. Though it is a type of 'vomit' fungus, properly named Brilliant Yellow 'Vomit' fungus, people on gardening websites thing it is 'beautiful.' Before I learned what it was, I photographed it so that my husband would know what killed me if it hatched.

 3. Grooming a poodle is no laughing matter. Professional groomers (and the pseudo-professionals at Petsmart) should be bringing home 6-figure salaries. It took me 6 hours to bathe, dry, brush, and begin trimming my poodle's hair. I called my husband at work and told him I had an emergency at home. As it turns out, I just needed him to help me hold the dog. 8 hours later, the dog looks like the kid in Kindergarten whose mom cut his hair.

4. My house has an inordinate amount of roly polies. Also, right at this moment, I learned how to spell roly poly. I was under the impression that it was rolly polly, but that didn't look right. Secondly, while Googling the spelling of roly poly, I discovered that roly polies are not bugs. And they're related to shrimp?! Anyway--I sweep roly polies up every day. It's the strangest thing. That's really all I had to say about that.

5. Having free times gives me the false belief that I am athletic. So, I think to myself, "I should start golfing." The next day comes and I think to myself, "I'm going to start jogging." There is no basis for me to think that I would be qualified to even try either of these hobbies. I have a bicycle (step 1), and I sat on it the other day (step 2). The tires were flat. So I guess the idea of being a bicyclist is out the window. Nearly every day we go to the neighborhood pool, and I think to myself, "this is it. This is the day I'm going to swim laps." But then I see the patio chair with my shape of my body molded into it from the previous day, and I can't resist. It wouldn't be fair to the chair. 

That's pretty much what I've learned so far during my summer vacation. In case you're still reading this blog and regularly checking for updates after 6 1/2 years, here's what you missed.


 So until I have something vaguely interesting to share with you or 6 1/2 years passes, whichever comes first, goodbye. Maybe I should come up with a fancy sign-off. I'll be working on that. 


Saturday, January 1, 2011

Lunch Lady/Janitor

Upon returning to work on Monday, my new position at the school will be lunch lady/janitor. I've been booted out of the classroom....and I will be landing in the cafeteria. Who's jealous?

In an effort to salvage the shred of pride to which I am still clinging, let me explain:

As you may or may not remember, in October, I left my previous employer in a quest to find my ideal job. For a second or two, I thought I had found it. Silly me, I couldn't have been more wrong. I took a position at a local private school as a long-term preschool teacher for a teacher who was impregnated. I was under the assumption that said teacher would not be returning. Long story short, I was wrong. She will be back this upcoming Monday. Thus, I am being relocated to the lunch room where I will act as server to children 3 years-5th grade. Score! Oh, but wait...after lunch periods have ended, I will mosey upstairs and clean the teachers' break room. Double score!

I've been trying to convince my husband of the numerous reasons it would be of no consequence for me to simply "forget" to show up to work on Monday...and every day following Monday, but he's not budging. His reasoning falls along the lines of "being responsible" and "providing for our children." Blah blah blah.

On a semi-related note, anyone with job openings may email details to Just saying.

To those of you who are less-than-pleased in your professional lives, I wish you a bearable New Year.

Until next time,

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Let me just tell you about it.

I started a new job one week ago tomorrow. Thus far, I have done very few things right. Let me tell you about it. I am teaching "Stories and Science" and "Language" class to 3 year olds. In short, this consists of teaching 40 (give or take) 3 year olds their letters, math skills, safety lessons, etc. Doing this is surprisingly easy. Granted, I need to brush up on my sign language alphabet, but otherwise it's not too difficult. However, outside of the classroom I have done many, many things wrong. Here is a list:

1. I am currently working the hours 8:30-5:30. I found out yesterday (on day 4) that 8:30 ACTUALLY means no later than 8:15. So, I've been 15 minutes late since Day 1. Whoops.

2. "Wear comfortable shoes" ACTUALLY means "You must wear tennis shoes." So the 3 out of 4 days that I wore comfortable leather dress shoes, I was actually breaking dress code. Whoops. Too bad I just bought brand new comfortable leather shoes that I can no longer wear.

3. I wear uniforms, which is fine. However, I just found out yesterday while wearing the uniform plaid that "under no circumstances should a teacher wear the uniform plaid."  So, I went home at nap time to change into the acceptable dark navy trouser pants. Mistakenly, instead of putting on my navy pants, I put on black pants---which is also VERY unacceptable. Whoops. (P.S. Too bad I just spent $35 on a plaid skirt that I can no longer wear.)

4. I was told that during nap time (from 1:00-3:00), teachers are allowed to run errands, etc. So, I've been running errands. Turns out, I am only allowed to take on-site breaks from 2:00-2:35. Whoops.

5. I was asked to fill out my W-4 forms and turn in my drivers license so that a copy could be made. I did this on Monday (November 1). My drivers license expired on Sunday (October 31), so it is no longer valid. Thus, I did not get paid on Tuesday.

6. I am not allowed to push the children on the swings more than 3 pushes. I have spent the majority of the 3 recesses per day for 4 days pushing the children on swings. In addition, 3 year olds are not allowed to play on the monkey bars. I have been lifting them onto the monkey bars for 4 days. Whoops.

7. I was told not to leave my classroom at nap time until all of the children are asleep. Turns out, this actually means "Do not leave your classroom until 1:25. At 1:25, you MUST leave your classroom so the other teachers can be relieved for their planning period." I did not realize this until 1:30 when one of the teachers came into my room and told me that they had been waiting on me so that they could eat lunch. Whoops.

8. 3 year olds are required to go to the potty before lunch time, whether they need to or not. I learned this the hard way. Whoops.

9. If you do not ask for help from the other teachers, they become admittedly frustrated with you. That sucks.

10. I have no friends. The other teachers do not get my random, sarcastic, dry humor at all. They basically think that I am the strange, non-uniform-wearing, illegally-swing-pushing new girl. Sigh.

There's a lot to say for having a job for which you generally know what you're doing. I hope I can generally know what I'm doing again someday soon.

Luckily, I should have some funny 3 year old sentences to share with you soon.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Stay back 100 feet.

Warning: Reading this blog may cause permanent damage to any electrical appliances within 100 feet of your monitor.

It all began on Tuesday afternoon. The battery in my phone was quickly draining, and in order to survive 4 hours in class that evening, I was going to have to charge it before I could play Words With Friends. I did not have my charger, so I borrowed one. The borrowed cord needed to be returned, but iTunes on my computer was updating the phone. Anyway, long story short: I quickly clicked "Restore" on the screen, not knowing that meant " manufacturers' settings." In other words, I deleted everything on my phone~ contacts, pictures, games, ringtones, ANGRY BIRDS SCORES (!!!!), everything.

Wednesday: I ventured into the world of exercise equipment again, for the first time in a year and a half. I was all geared up for a stroll on the elliptical machine. I got on, but nothing happened. It had no power, and there was nothing I could do to make it work.

That afternoon (after substituting a stroll on a treadmill), I returned to my office a sweaty, sweaty mess. I pressed my face against the fan in my office, trying to get the breeze to dry my dripping hair. It worked for a while, then just stopped. It was still plugged in, and no circuit breakers had been blown. The fan just decided it could no longer take it.

Today: This morning, mid-way through my morning routine, my blow dryer did the same exact thing the fan did the previous afternoon!! It had been working just fine; then it just died...for no apparent reason. What are the chances??

So, I made it in to work only to find that the copier (which was just repaired yesterday) is not working, my UPS system completely crashed, and our postage machine's board is fried...and my fan still doesn't work.

So, all in all, I'm thinking that I must be exuding some kind of electrical force from my pores. Did you ever see the movie, "Powder?" I'm nearly as white as he was, and he also created a sort of electrical energy. Coincidence?

Until I feel like it,

Friday, August 27, 2010

Because I know you care.

Holy cow. I don't even know where to begin in my quest to update you on my life. Let's start from the beginning.

I was born on a cool spring morning on April 27...

Nah, I won't go back that far. Instead, I'll pick up where I left off.

The heavens parted several weeks ago, and my husband discovered that a job that he would enjoy was available. He sent in his resume, and after 14,000 interviews (give or take a few), he scored the job. Yippee for him. Since this change in profession, we have had to find and hire a new babysitter for both children and this weekend will involve buying my ever-shrinking husband a new work wardrobe.

Finding trustworthy childcare is a headache. The "fancy" daycares charge for two kids more than I bring home in a month after insurance, taxes, etc., and I refuse to make negative money. However, the affordable daycares are located in buildings made exclusively from asbestos and chipping lead paint and are invaded by toothless workers. Fortunately, some friends of ours recommended an at-home babysitter, and things seem to be going smoothly for the children. (I still fight back tears every morning, but I'm getting better.)

My side business, Jillian's Roses is gaining notoriety and inventory is moving. Since being defriended on Facebook by an acquaintance (long story), I now feel the freedom to expand into the bow-making world, so I have been having fun with that. In case you don't remember, I really hate being defriended (see blog from sometime in June), but this time, after the steam stopped spouting from my ears, I realized that the defriendment is actually a good thing. Now the world is my oyster.

Oh, and I'm having t-shirts made, but I need your help. I am planning to have baby/infant, women's, and men's sizes available. I am looking for a slogan for the women's shirts. Please help me. The author of the winning slogan gets a free t-shirt.
So far for the other sizes I have:
Men: Real Men Wear Roses.
Baby/Toddler: Without a rose, you're just a boy.
Women: ??????????????????? 

Um, let's see...I am down to less than 3 classes to complete before I finally graduate with a stinking degree. Granted, this degree will probalby go to waste, but at least I can say I have one at my high school reunion. In fact, I may make a shirt to wear at my reunion that says "I may be fat, but at least I have a degree." Actually, I weigh less now than I did as a high school senior. This is not really an accomplishment since I was the token acceptably-fat girl in my class. Take a moment to remember that person from your know...the girl you went to school with who was heavier than all the other stick figure girls. The girl who weighed the same as all the heavy misfits, but nobody seemed to notice. Ah, yes...there she is now. I can see her galloping through your memories.

Anyway, I think that generally covers what has been going on lately. I will try to do better about updating, but I'm usually lost in piles of flower petals and hot glue, so no promises. Stay tuned.


Comment with t-shirt ideas should you have any. Thanks~

Sunday, August 1, 2010

A blog from my phone

I haven't written in a while. I've been too busy downloading apps to my new iPhone. Here is what I've installed, in case you're wondering:
1. Free ringtones app-
- Cranberries, Linger
- En Vogue, What a Man
- Mandy Moore, Only Hope
2. Dog Whistle app
3. Pandora radio
4. Flashlight
5. Mosqito repelled app
6. Bubble level app
7. Paper toss game
8. Bump app
9. Alarm clock app
10. Mirror app
11. And of course, Facebook

Just thought you'd like to know.

Until tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Don't Touch Me. I have Herpes.

In case you weren't aware, tender souls such as myself do not need a fever to sprout a fever blister. All it takes for me to grow a cold sore is a little bit of stress (see previous blog), a little too much time in the sun, or the presence of 1 Herpes molecule floating around in the 3 mile radius surrounding me.

In my younger days, I was constantly battling these disgusting little outbreaks. They would pop up on my mouth with little to no notice. I could leave a room with no fever blister, re-enter the room 30 seconds later with a dinner plate-sized cold sore. I could have won talent shows with that trick.

So, I guess I should consider myself lucky that my body has finally started giving me a little warning.
Body: "Ahem, excuse me Heather. You know that tingly feeling you are experiencing? That is my formal notification that you will need to spend the next week in hiding, because within the next 12 hours you will look like a mutant." Also, I no longer get blisters on my mouth, and for this I am grateful. They now sprout up INSIDE my nose. That's right. I have Nasal Herpes; it's a real thing...and I have it. "Thank you Tuesday for providing me the anxiety I need to grow nasal sores."

Until tomorrow.